A place where noone goes...

There is a place
Somewhere between my heart and mind
Where noone goes..

It is the place where a hundred tears are shed
A place where joyous moments are remembered
The place where profound thoughts run a steady stream
And where I am my best friend.

Noone has been here but me...
And while I have let some special people have a peep into its window,
The doorway leading there has never been opened.

Perhaps the key is destined to remain with me forever.
I dont know if I am quite ready yet to hand it over...
And yet it has always filled me with joy when someone has knocked on the door.

Does everyone have such a place...
Is life all about unlocking that door at the end of it all...
I wonder...

At home again...

I've been at home with a bad bout of chicken pox for the past 10 days and on the whole its been kind of tiresome to be confined to home for a while. But with some determination and the way things are looking up overall in life (more on that later), I've been able to get through it.

In a way it's been a forced break from work which was threatening to get maddening again, and its also given me some time to relax and savour the joy of mom's attention...I guess we never really outgrow that in life:) After all, who can resist hot meals at appropriate times of the day, cut fruits and juices in between, hot water baths drawn up and the insistence on sleep and rest from mom?! And I have to mention the most enjoyable part have been the light hearted chats as we catch up on TV every morning...its nice to find yourself changing for someone you love - I dont think I would otherwise watch songs from the 70s and 80s but for the fact that watching it with mom makes it special!

While I know that I could only get through it because it was for a short duration, its been a welcome break...I guess nature has its way of slowing you down on her own when you refuse to listen! Although I suppose I've made it sound more like a holiday than being in quarantine!

I also realised during this time at home that its the people around you that make up a place...my grandmom who generally stays at home has gone away with the rest of the family to attend a wedding and I find myself unable to believe that she isnt at home. Her bed and room, her chair and even in general the house seems to have her constant presence in my mind. It's a surprise because I hardly realise it when she is around. Starts a whole new train of thought don't you think?

Anyway, I think readers can forgive the overdose of sentiment here...for I am back to work tomorrow and have to face more mundane things like train journeys and implicating emails:) Its not been a very eloquent post but I just wanted to get back to it nevertheless!

Kadhal Anukkal...

Am back again to share my appreciation for another song hat has caught my fancy in recent times - "Kadhal Anukkal" from "Enthiran". As always, advise you to listen to the song as you read for better understanding!

This is definitely not the kind of song that I thought I would like! So here's Archana's list of song ruiners. English lyrics in Tamil song (And scientific ones at that! "Neutron", "Electron" et al). Check. Random words that dont fit into the scheme of the song (" Senthenil Wasabi" what's Wasabi anyway?!, "Thanniyil Oxygen miga Adhigam"). Check. Wannabe words included to fit into the tune of the song ("Oh Baby"). Check. Obviously there is something beyond all this that makes one like a song!

As the song starts off with a melodious guitar prelude followed by a lazy "Thelela...lalala", I can imagine sitting back to enjoy the song..probably on a sunny beach on a holiday. The laid back rhythm of the song keeps going (only the "Sana sana ore vinaa" adds more pep) until the "Azhagin motham neeya" part which marks the beginning of a foot tapping percussion that continues throughout the song. I challenge anyone except the completely tone deaf to avoid getting into its rhythm -check if you are either tapping your feet, shaking your head or keeping beat with your hands in some way at this point. Its a simple standard beat that beautifully blends with the relaxed foreground activity in the song.

Shreya has rendered her part quite well as usual and the repitition of the "Dheem thom thom" part only makes me imagine the singer and the song pausing to let you catch up with them in such a lovely way. The central attraction of the whole number is of of course the "Oh Baby" part where the percussion changes to suit the speed. Good rendition by Vijay Prakash as well, in fact both he and Shreya convey the relaxed feel of the song in the way that they drawl out the first few lines at any point.

The following paragraphs are hummable as well, not however as much as the "Oh baby" part which does not leave your mind or lips for a long time after you listen to this number.

And I can definitely forgive the random reference to a certain Japanese horseradish plant* for that!

*Wasabi - I couldn't resist googling it!

When the mind wants to sleep...

A maze of thoughts caught up in the web of life....I wonder how some people can complicate life as much as I can sometimes, but well, thats me.

I really admire anyone who can avoid this, but try as I may, I cant. I have been through this at every stage of life...only to feel in the end that I could have saved so much time and effort if I had avoided the same. But no, I find the familar feeling of being caught in a web as I mentioned above. How accurately that describes one sometimes...how clearly I can describe my emotions but not make sense of them!

I guess its human nature to feel that we are alone in going through anything...and the same human nature which wants us to kick ourselves when we later realise that we are all mostly alike at the end of it all. I suppose we just have to grin and bear it sometimes.

Am glad that all my tiredness has finally culminated in my body and mind completely giving up just yesterday. I finally realised the value of sound sleep which pulls you so blissfully away from the worries of real life. And I guess thats what I need now as well.

Memories - II

"The vivid colours of childhood have faded into the pastels of memory" - I recently read a line in one of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books which beautifully captures the essence of memory. As I read it I could almost imagine how a clear picture would become what we can only associate with a watermark effect. But it got me thinking.

It's always interesting to think of what one's earliest memories are. I think I read somewhere that our earliest memories can't date to back to before the age of 3 or 4. When I think of that I realise that human memory can be a funny thing - I can vividly remember something that happenned 20 odd years ago, yet forget what happened last month!

So here's one of my earliest childhood memories. I could not have been more than 3 years old. I vaguely remember wearing a yellow dress but thats probably made up by my mind from pictures of the time. It is our home in Goa and my parents have invited over quite a few of my dad's colleagues and their families for dinner. I am laughing with the other kids inside the bedroom where are eating from the brown porcelain plates which we take out when people come for dinner. The kids are not usually allowed to eat from them, so am surprised it has happenned. I decide to come back to the living room for another helping and I can see myself walking down the long passageway.

Some kid is following me which is why I playfully break into a run. As I enter the dining hall, suddenly I trip and fall. The plate I am holding, flies out of my hand to break into pieces and I find myself sprawled on the floor. I can see some blood on my hand and I remember that thats when I start to cry. I can feel everyone in the room turn to look at me. I can remember someone helping me up but I remember nothing after that. But I am sure of this one. I even have the fading scar on my wrist to prove it.

How strange memory is! - I remember this incident whenever I am trying to recollect something recent which eludes me and smile about the paradox that human memory is.

What is your biggest fear?

I once read that there are some questions that everybody should ask themselves periodically in life, one of them being this - "What is your biggest fear?" Have tried it and found that this simple question could give you an interesting insight into your state of mind at that point of time.

Well, so just a few days ago, I was miserable - as in I had a bad cold and cough, which is only aggravated by the stress of a non stop nonsense type work week. Just to give a background on this, I am normally a very healthy person - to the extent that the only illness I ever remember suffering from over the past many years long time is a bad bout of cold and a sore throat which affects my voice. And even this makes an appearance(and quick disappearance) once or twice a year.

Well, so this year's bout struck a while back. Tired and helpless, I reconciled myself to the pain that was passing each day sniffing and coughing in the stifling air conditioned atmosphere at work. And thats when I felt something gnawing at my mind, something I could not put my finger on. Something seemed very wrong - and then it hit me. This cold thing never lasts so long! My voice which was all but gone was never so bad.

I guess usually when I have this problem, I take a break from daily life and curl up in bed for a day or two- ensuring that am ok in a few days. But somehow that just did not happen this time. As I struggled on one day, I asked myself this question about what I fear. Surprisingly, I found the answer - I fear I might lose my voice.

Just like that. A wierd fear you might say. And I couldnt agree more. I's never thought of it much before. I think the only time I had thought of it was years ago when I read a story of a woman who had temporarily lose her voice. I remember her mentioning how not speaking for a few days helped her listen to her family and understand them better.

But why was I feeling this way? I thought about it and realised, that it was no so much losing my voice that I was worried about, but losing my ability to express myself. Over the past weeks when my voice was feeble, I often found myself avoiding talking when it was not necessary. And thats what scared me. I found myself trying to hum a tune while driving home from work as usual and then giving up when my voice would just give way. I guess one's voice is like one's mind's doorway to the world. And I suppose I feel that when my voice is gone, that doorway is closing in on me. And thats a scary proposition. I guess I just realised what exressing myself when I wanted through word or song is so important to me.

I guess I got real then about my illness. Decided to take some time off from work and relax. Even decided to take the cough medicine that I had been avoiding assuming that my voice would just normally return. And thankfully, my voice is nearly back to normal now. I suppose this is one more thing I will not take for granted again.

I think I need more time to think of why such a ludicrous fear would enter my mind but I would encourage you to take some time off and explore this question at length. As I said, it teach you something about yourself that you never thought you knew.

Change is Permanent!

"We live in a small town in Southern California called San Marino. I love this town, and not just because it's the kind of place where people still smile at each other but because it hasn't changed much in the past twenty-five years. And since I'm not a guy who's big on change, this town fits me like a glove."
- Steve Martin as George Banks in "Father of the Bride"

Everytime I think of change, I think of this dialogue. I dont know why. And I have been rememebering this one pretty often for the past few weeks...just as I have been realising that no matter how much you think you have seen in life, its quirkiness will just catch up with you when you least expect it!

Take for example just about a couple of months ago, I felt a twinge of boredom settling into life...and just wondered that sometimes things seem to kind of stand still. Cut to the present day when over a span of about a month, it seems that everything is upside down! Both in the professional and personal life of the people around me, rapid changes seem to have happenned so fast that am just left wondering if such changes can ever be dealt with!

Of course, most change is for the good...and this certainly applies for what I have mentioned above. But just for a moment the pace of life's movement seems to catch me unawares...and I think it reminds me of how fragile everything around us is..from relationships and people that we take for granted, to routines we follow that we never give a thought to...it can all change faster than you can understand it!

All the more reason to savour every stage to the fullest I suppose! But to be honest, I think I have been holding up pretty good:)

But you know, most of us are like George Banks - struggling to keep pace with change in life...but in a way I think thats also positive...only when we take enough time to let go of something do we give it due appreciation.

And once thats done, its time to move on, perhaps remembering that :

"Nothing is permanent but change"
-Heraclitus

Despite it all...

A few days ago, caught up by the craziness that is work, I thought that my next post would be different. It would be about all the things that I do not enjoy nowdays particularly work!

Still have half a mind to do that sometime later, but today, I felt better and decided to look at what I have enjoyed despite it all.

a) Watching little kids near my house on their way home from tution class, play with Bingo(my labrador) as I take him for his nightly walk.
b)Cooling off with a friend on a Sunday morning with a swim in the pool, a scrumptious breakfast and nonsensical chat after a long time!
c)Enjoying watching the movie 'Beethoven' on Sunday afternoon with my little cousin and hearing her laugh out loud at the funny parts.
d)Having a 3 way conversation with old friends from school on facebook...again after a long time!
e)Savouring amma's home cooked roti and rajma at work, taking a break from canteen food!

Thats all for now...

Mornings!

After 2 years of (sometimes hard) work, I took a long break of over a week. In fact I'd kind of forced myself to take it even though I had not made any concrete travel plans, as I had really become tired and jaded and needed to be by myself for a while.

So other than a 3 day temple tour, I was at home. Sure, I managed to finish a lot of chores which I am unable to sacrifice my precious sunday for, but for the last two days I just stayed at home. And realised what a relief that can be. Knowing to appreciate the joy of just living in the place that was after all,meant for living is surprisingly one that many people do not enjoy!

But not me. Spending the entire day at home once in a while is very much my cup of tea! And speaking of tea, what I love most of all about a weekday holiday is the morning (and a cup of mom's sweet milky tea!). As I'm not one to wake up late on holidays, I thoroughly enjoy the morning hours especially on weekdays when I am home so that I can watch the world go by. I watch people ready for work, standing in wait for their buses as I pass them on my morning walk and wonder how I look as I live my life on suburban railway time each morning. As I watch from the terrace, I see kids with shiny shoes waiting for their schoolbus and am reminded of my own blessed childhood days! I watch the grocer nearby open his store and wonder about how he manages to make a living.

Basically, I love to take a break from the usual hustle and bustle of daily life and think unconventional thoughts on a Wednesday morning. Maybe its just the feeling of having the leisure of doing so that's pleasurable. Maybe its just that I'm a morning person(yes, thats a word! Google it.) But I find that after that Wednesday, I am a much calmer person as I return to life from my break and am more inclined to say "Good Morning" and mean it!

Omana Penne!

Note: Written as I listened to the song, hence you are advised to read likewise!

I've always been fascinated by music review blogs...ever since I got hooked onto them about a year back...and wanted to try one myself. So all I was on the lookout for was a song for so long, when along came....'Omana Penne' from the Tamil Movie 'Vinnaithaandi Varuvaya'

Listening to the song without any background information, its easy to classify 'Omana Penne' as a Harris Jayaraj number (atleast it was to me) thanks to its western sounding beats but the nadaswaram which drifts in and out revals the characteristic west meets east, Rahman signature style.

This is one song which catches your attention right from the begninning - I guess its the expectation created by the tinkling bells that accompany you through the song along with the rhythmic percussion as "Ahh Ha....Ada daaaa...penne" in Benny Dayal's silken smooth voice starts it off.

The tempo of the song picks up around the "Hey" interspersed during the next few lines. Another faux attempt at speeding up the song occurs at "Yen aayiram iravu" which is revealed as false with the "Nee thaan.." and subsequent lines which bring down the tempo again. Incidentally its just before this that the nadaswaram bit makes it appearance for the first time, ever - so - slightly in the background only to slink away just as softly again.

As the unmistakable "Ohhhhh omana penne" comes around, you're hooked. This guy Benny can make any "Oooh" end at Omana Penne, you begin to think when he raises the bar even further. Deftly taking you through what can only be called as vocal acrobatics next, is Benny again with "Oooooh" for the most part before "Nee pogum vazhiyil nizhalagi.." followed by more "oooh" again!

Lending a beautiful touch to the whole song of course is Kalyani Menon with the lovely "Maragatha thotilizh malayaligal..." part. How exquisitely malayali the tune is, and yet how beautifully it blends in with the western beats in the background! And without missing a beat(or maybe just one) Benny is back with "Thalli ponaaaal...thei pirai"

As the next chorus of the title sets in, the nadaswaram gets its fair share of ear space amidst the heavy percussion as the song fades out... rest asured its only from your ears, it lingers on in the mind.

There has been much criticism I can see on the net on the use of the autotune to synthesise both Benny's voice, which I could not point out otherwise and Kalyani's bit which I thought, lent a childlike beauty to verses of a lulaby sung to a baby girl.

On the whole, how impressed am I with the song? Well, am usually a stickler for lyrics and in this area Omana Penne might just make the grade, but the lingering music scores high enough for me!

Is it worth it?

Finally decided to blog after more than five months...obviously there is no dearth of topics I have been thinking of, but this post is more of an impromptu one. Again, cant resist beginning with one of my favourite quotes:


The marvelous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were no limitations to overcome. The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse.

-Helen Keller

I recently went through and saw certain family members go through a harrowing experience following a sudden tragic incident. As I stood among everyone else, plunged in grief, for a moment the thought crossed my mind...is it all worth it finally? Think about it. The most important things in life are those that we have no control over. Birth, family, death. Why then,all the intricate planning, the constant pressure and the mad rush? Sometimes, we get so caught up in the motions of daily life or even in our pursuit of carefully planned goals that we forget to ask this all important question - is it all worth it?

Am not suggesting an its-all-just-an-illusion-so-why-bother attitude to life. I'm just saying that its common to get too comfortable with our own daily life and its details read problems. So comfortable that we lose sight of its place in the larger canvas of life. I guess if one learns to preserve this realisation of the larger canvas, most decisions in life would be made more peacefully and less time would be frittered away in meaningless outbursts and heartburn.

As for the question that remains: is it worth it all...the answer came to me as follows. A couple of days after the sad moments mentioned above, I got a call from a friend who had just had a baby boy less than 3 weeks ago. Qucikly, my mind changed gears, and as I got talking to her eagerly, I realised it. That while our conversation seemed ordinary ; centred around the little one's activities, it occured to me that it would stand out in her memory and mine, for a long time to come. This was a new beginning of another beautiful stage in life. Another couple of days later , I found myself with friends at a classmate's wedding reception, laughing and posing for photographs with newlyweds who had just begun another new phase in their life. Another day, as i walk on my terrace during the evening, an old song which I had reluctantly added among other new ones, pops into my playlist and although I have listened to it before, these lines stand out to me for the first time : "Sukh ki hai chaah to...dukh bhi sehna hai" (classic song 'Phoolon ka Taaron ka', from the cult movie Hare Rama Hare Krishna)


In only a span of days, life allows us to witness endings and beginnings. I would not have agreed to this a few years ago, but life proves the existence of this concept in its own unique way each day. Maybe it always has, and it has just taken us time to see it. The necessary contrarian forces that are at work. The yin and the yang. Black and White.Hilltop and valley.

And the sooner we comprehend it, the better we understand why it's all worth it, in the end.