When the mind wants to sleep...

A maze of thoughts caught up in the web of life....I wonder how some people can complicate life as much as I can sometimes, but well, thats me.

I really admire anyone who can avoid this, but try as I may, I cant. I have been through this at every stage of life...only to feel in the end that I could have saved so much time and effort if I had avoided the same. But no, I find the familar feeling of being caught in a web as I mentioned above. How accurately that describes one sometimes...how clearly I can describe my emotions but not make sense of them!

I guess its human nature to feel that we are alone in going through anything...and the same human nature which wants us to kick ourselves when we later realise that we are all mostly alike at the end of it all. I suppose we just have to grin and bear it sometimes.

Am glad that all my tiredness has finally culminated in my body and mind completely giving up just yesterday. I finally realised the value of sound sleep which pulls you so blissfully away from the worries of real life. And I guess thats what I need now as well.

Memories - II

"The vivid colours of childhood have faded into the pastels of memory" - I recently read a line in one of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books which beautifully captures the essence of memory. As I read it I could almost imagine how a clear picture would become what we can only associate with a watermark effect. But it got me thinking.

It's always interesting to think of what one's earliest memories are. I think I read somewhere that our earliest memories can't date to back to before the age of 3 or 4. When I think of that I realise that human memory can be a funny thing - I can vividly remember something that happenned 20 odd years ago, yet forget what happened last month!

So here's one of my earliest childhood memories. I could not have been more than 3 years old. I vaguely remember wearing a yellow dress but thats probably made up by my mind from pictures of the time. It is our home in Goa and my parents have invited over quite a few of my dad's colleagues and their families for dinner. I am laughing with the other kids inside the bedroom where are eating from the brown porcelain plates which we take out when people come for dinner. The kids are not usually allowed to eat from them, so am surprised it has happenned. I decide to come back to the living room for another helping and I can see myself walking down the long passageway.

Some kid is following me which is why I playfully break into a run. As I enter the dining hall, suddenly I trip and fall. The plate I am holding, flies out of my hand to break into pieces and I find myself sprawled on the floor. I can see some blood on my hand and I remember that thats when I start to cry. I can feel everyone in the room turn to look at me. I can remember someone helping me up but I remember nothing after that. But I am sure of this one. I even have the fading scar on my wrist to prove it.

How strange memory is! - I remember this incident whenever I am trying to recollect something recent which eludes me and smile about the paradox that human memory is.

What is your biggest fear?

I once read that there are some questions that everybody should ask themselves periodically in life, one of them being this - "What is your biggest fear?" Have tried it and found that this simple question could give you an interesting insight into your state of mind at that point of time.

Well, so just a few days ago, I was miserable - as in I had a bad cold and cough, which is only aggravated by the stress of a non stop nonsense type work week. Just to give a background on this, I am normally a very healthy person - to the extent that the only illness I ever remember suffering from over the past many years long time is a bad bout of cold and a sore throat which affects my voice. And even this makes an appearance(and quick disappearance) once or twice a year.

Well, so this year's bout struck a while back. Tired and helpless, I reconciled myself to the pain that was passing each day sniffing and coughing in the stifling air conditioned atmosphere at work. And thats when I felt something gnawing at my mind, something I could not put my finger on. Something seemed very wrong - and then it hit me. This cold thing never lasts so long! My voice which was all but gone was never so bad.

I guess usually when I have this problem, I take a break from daily life and curl up in bed for a day or two- ensuring that am ok in a few days. But somehow that just did not happen this time. As I struggled on one day, I asked myself this question about what I fear. Surprisingly, I found the answer - I fear I might lose my voice.

Just like that. A wierd fear you might say. And I couldnt agree more. I's never thought of it much before. I think the only time I had thought of it was years ago when I read a story of a woman who had temporarily lose her voice. I remember her mentioning how not speaking for a few days helped her listen to her family and understand them better.

But why was I feeling this way? I thought about it and realised, that it was no so much losing my voice that I was worried about, but losing my ability to express myself. Over the past weeks when my voice was feeble, I often found myself avoiding talking when it was not necessary. And thats what scared me. I found myself trying to hum a tune while driving home from work as usual and then giving up when my voice would just give way. I guess one's voice is like one's mind's doorway to the world. And I suppose I feel that when my voice is gone, that doorway is closing in on me. And thats a scary proposition. I guess I just realised what exressing myself when I wanted through word or song is so important to me.

I guess I got real then about my illness. Decided to take some time off from work and relax. Even decided to take the cough medicine that I had been avoiding assuming that my voice would just normally return. And thankfully, my voice is nearly back to normal now. I suppose this is one more thing I will not take for granted again.

I think I need more time to think of why such a ludicrous fear would enter my mind but I would encourage you to take some time off and explore this question at length. As I said, it teach you something about yourself that you never thought you knew.