Heart Ache

I had decided that my next post would be an unfinished paragraph that I wrote years ago in school. A short piece on how a simple everyday event that I saw, filled me with happiness and made me believe in the goodness of life again.


Obviously I am not getting around to writing that post today:) Well, life's like that...I am sure I will get around to it sometime soon but today I found myself going back to a question that I have asked myself once in the past - can the heart really feel pain? As any self respecting homo sapien of the 21st century I turned to my self proclaimed agony aunt- Google. Only to be met by pages and pages on how a heart attack is actually felt through your arm and not your chest, yada yada yada ( I know I know, 20 years later when reading such stuff will actually fill me with paralysing fear, I will kick myself for it) but for today i discarded them. And dug deeper to find that apparently yes, the heart definitely can feel pain...heartache or heart break, which could mean the loss of love or a loved one could cause enough stress to kill...WOW! And double WOW!


Its so easy to avoid that pain by simply denying it, and worse yet hiding it. But if you decide to be honest about it, it catches up with you. Just like most things in life do. In a slightly warped way, its like the whole karma deal I guess ( I've always avoided saying that because I felt its cliched, life changes:))

But when you think about it, or atleast when I do, I can't think of any other fact that would make us so quintessentially human. Allowing yourself to feel hurt and sad and vulnerable; all of which signifies a temporary loss of self which occurs due to meshing it with another , is what still makes us classify our species into the living beings side of the table as opposed to the contraptions that we have created to run so much of our lives nowdays. And I somehow feel that its only the bold and brave hearted who would allow themselves to feel so.

To feel so is to feel truly human and therefore, to feel so is to have truly lived.

Memories III

Back to blogging after a long hiatus. I guess we humans are the only creatures who have this insatiable urge to figure out who we are...where we come from and where we're going. And this journey takes us through one of the most tumultous paths into the most complex organism of all - our mind.

As you get more used to being conscious of what you're thinking (read "going nuts trying to figure yourself out":)) you start realising how finicky our mind is. Just about two weeks ago, i found myself somehow going back again and again to certain memories...in this case it was summer holidays with family. Suddenly every moment was full of rememberances of happy times in my grandparents house and I found myself recalling very vividly every moment spent over the past twenty odd years over two months in May and June when we visited them . I can surprisingly recall every inch of its interior and the garden outside. I can remember the way the sunlight fell on patterns onto the floor of the garden in the afternoons and the exact place where I would sit on the steps leading to the terrace, reading . I can see myself hopping off to play at the neighbours, as well as see my uncle reading the newspaper as he drank his coffe at the same spot every morning. I can see my granddad coming outside the house in his veshti to do his puja and I can see my grandmom bustling about the kitchen in her towel turned apron.

The surprising part is that today the house is gone and brand new flats adorn the land and my grandparents no longer live there. Why, I, myself no longer even live in my parents home. Why then do these memories come back bitter sweetly to remind me that I can no longer re-live them?

Today suddenly these memories are gone. And I feel lost again as I do sometimes, not knowing where I came from...not to mention worried about where I am going. Ah well, life's like that:)

Life as you know it!

"So are you married?" asks someone at work. I'm out for lunch with my colleagues as part of a treat and just getting acquainted with the first few days into my new role at a new work location. My immediate instinct is to respond as I have for the past few years. Say " Oh no no" as I smile broadly and continue "And not for a while now". But I catch myself just in time to avoid that same reaction and remember to say "Ah no but I am engaged". And it sounds a tad bit unreal even to me! Am met with smiles and the asked the usual "Oh so when is the big day?" and so on as I slip into answering what seem to be much easier questions:)

As I look back on the question and reflect on my reaction, its hard not to smile. Cut to another situation where I find it almost instinctive to fill in “Single” in the Marital Status column of any form!

But it just makes me take a closer look at what it means at the end of the day. Is it really so hard to let go of being single? Apparently, it definitely is! It’s definitely hard to let go of what has been a whole identity for your entire life till now.

“It’s really like stepping into a new life” says my fiancé when asked, echoing my state of mind, reminding me that those were the exact words we have used on our wedding card just about a month ago. How the words suddenly seem to make much more sense with just a month left to go!

“The end of life as you know it” says Gerry to Holly in the movie “P.S I love you” of falling in love. Another phrase whose impact seems to be dawning on me of lateJ Getting married is not much different may I add!

The end of an era - II

Getting up to bright sunshine on a sunday morning. Chatting with my parents on topics in the sunday supplement newspaper. A long walk around the area perhaps. Watching early morning shows on cooking on TV as I gorge on a scrumptuous breakfast. Catching up with neighbours and friends who live nearby. Cutting veggies for mom. A visit to the beauty parlour nearby. Helping dad wash the car. Watching my dog react hyperactively after his routine bath.

Watching shows such on hotels and cruises on Travel and Living with Dad over lunch and planning intently on similar trips. A brief but totally relaxing afternoon nap after hilarious conversations with my parents. Catching up with friends or cousins in the evening. Returning to an improvised dinner thanks to feeling full with all other meals over the day. Falling asleep dreading the upcoming monday.

Here's bidding adieu to a couple of things which have become dear to me over Sundays over the past couple of years:)

Time and memory...

It is said that learning something new also involves a process of unlearning the old. I am just realising how true that is in any area of life. This combined with the fact that I am always surprised at how memories are stored in our head have been giving me some pretty surprising experiences of late.

You often hear of how people having a near death experience having their life flash in front of them? Well, such flashes of memories are common in general but it is when certain memories that you didnt know existed, dust themselves out of some forgotten shelf of your memory and make an appearance that you feel slightly rattled.

Over time, I realise that my reaction is only surprise at finding that the memory has been there, stashed away somewhere...and also at the fact that wierdly there is no accompanying feeling or thought associated with the memory. Yet, it is still a bit disconcerting to suddenly, even if its just for a brief instant, not know where you are in time. I guess this feeling of losing track of time is unnatural in itself and is probably what we're all worried about at the end of it all.

Glad am learning to handle it while being vaguely reminded of Harry Potter and the pensieve concept:)

The end of an era..

Stopping by at random fast food joints on the way back from work. Impromptu shopping at Megamart. Making note of new parlours/clothes stores/fast food joints which have opened up, to check them out sometime soon. Stopping by at my favourite gift store spending hours losing track of time in the books section. Knowing that my grandparents'/uncle's/famly friends' place is nearby just in case I want to stop by some day. Stopping by at my friend's for a quick bite or overnight when its too late. Being able to drive comfortably when actually lost in thought about something else since I know the route by heart mentally. Stopping by at a bakery store to pick up a small cake in case I want to plan a quick family celebration. Stopping and walking to the nearest petrol pump to fill up in a bottle when my vehicle runs out of petrol - seems to be happenning often of late:).

Rachel and Monica of FRIENDS fame call it the end of an era...here's beginning to bid adieu to some simple things that have been a major part of my life due to sheer familiarity:)

What matters most...

You know that moment when suddenly something seems to click into place in life? I didnt think much about it until just now.

Its not that I haven't thought about how the meaning of life or of what maters most would hit me, I have. I somehow always expected it to be quite undramatic...as in I didnt exepect it to hit me one brilliant moment on a holiday when I gazed at splendid mountains and valleys. I, in fact expected it to dawn on me one mundane tuesday morning as I sipped my tea in my living room. And I guess I havent been too wrong. An average saturday night at home on my laptop isnt too far off.

Yet, obviously its not in an instant that you realise anything. And there probably are no real a-ha moments after all. Its just that suddenly, something seems to make sense to you a lot more than before. Or maybe you find the confidence to believe that you can make sense of it after all, even if not now.